~”Welcome to my Blog! Thank you for being here. I hope you stay awhile and enjoy!”~Jen McLennan

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Some Bible Humor

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and  replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young  boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my  favorite


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a very  gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible  to her brother in another part of the  country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?"  asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the  lady.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Somebody has said  there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled  the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There  is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and  announced to his congregation: "I have good news  and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad  news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While driving in  Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the  carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because  attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in  exhaust."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School  teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys  and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand  shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the  kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?"  the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A  minister waited in line to have his car filled  with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The  attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the  young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get  ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled,  "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People want the  front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunday  after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter  what the lesson was about.
The daughter  answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your  quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea  and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not  afraid, thy comforter is  coming."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The minister was  preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to  ask the congregation to come up with more money  than they were expecting for repairs to the church  building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that  the regular organist was sick and a substitute had  been brought in at the last minute. The substitute  wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of  the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll  have to think of something to play after I make  the announcement about the finances."
During  the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the  roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and  we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star  Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular  organist!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache..... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees..... And when you share God's Word.... He will try and discourage you.. I just defeated him!!!  Any other takers?

God Bless!

3 comments:

  1. Too funny! I had to share...

    Thanks for sharing...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I saw a comment you left on another blog and I had to follow your link. I`m a Canadian Momma too, we are in Eastern Ontario. This post really made me smile!! Blessings to you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hehe! Too cute! My daughter is staring at me--I think she's wondering what I'm laughing at! I found you through the Stay-at-Home moms group on voiceBoks! I saw your link and had to drop by! I'm following you on GFC! You have such a cheerful and uplifting site... love it!

    I write a humor blog about the joys, trials, and tribulations of motherhood! I'd love for you to stop by sometime!

    Smiles, Jenn @Misadventures in Motherhood

    ReplyDelete

I love to hear your comments! Thanks so much!

There was an error in this gadget

Time and Financial Freedom, Helping people achieve the best of both!

Do you want to know How I work from home? Would you like to Work from home too?

To learn about how I and 1000's of others work from home, please fill out the form below. I will contact you and share the information. I would love to help you reach your goals!

Your information is secure and will not be shared or sold.

Powered by Response Magic Email Marketing System

Did You Know......?


Did you know.................
50% of all illness is due to poor indoor air quality (Source: 1989 State of Massachusetts Study)
AIR FRESHENERS: interfere with the ability to smell by coating nasal passages with an oily film, or by releasing a nerve deadening agent! Toxins in air fresheners include: Formaldehyde: highly toxic, known carcinogen. Phenol: can cause skin to burn, peel, and sweat. Can cause convulsions, coma, circulatory collapse and even DEATH!

LIQUID DISH-SOAPS: is the leading cause of poisonings in the home for children under the age of 6 (over 2.1 million accidental poisonings per year) (contains formaldehyde and ammonia in most brands) One Million poisonings in Canada each year are due to household cleaner ingestion. Some are fatal. The #1 cause of household poisoning is dish detergent. What kinds of chemicals are in those products? http://www.rense.com/general19/chemical.htm

AUTOMATIC DISHWASHING DETERGENTS: contain dry chlorine that is highly concentrated. #1 cause of child poisonings, according to poison control centers.

CHLORINE BLEACH: is a strong corrosive and can burn or irritate skin, eyes and the respiratory system. Can cause vomiting or coma if swallowed! WARNING! Never mix with ammonia as the fumes are very dangerous and can be DEADLY!

AMMONIA: is very volatile and damaging to the eyes, skin and respiratory tract!

FURNITURE POLISH: contains Petroleum Distillates, which are highly flammable and can cause lung and skin cancer!

DRAIN CLEANER: most drain cleaners contain lye, hydrochloric acid or trichloroethane, which are all very caustic. They burn the skin and eyes, and can cause liver and kidney damage.

OVEN CLEANER: contain lye, which is a strong caustic and irritant to skin and eyes. Can cause tissue damage if swallowed.

TOOTHPASTE: can contain a number of harmful ingredients, such as: ammonia, benzyl alcohol/sodium benzoate, colors, ethanol, flavours, fluoride, formaldehyde, mineral oil, plastic (PVP), saccharin. Formaldehyde, mineral oil, PVP, and saccharin are all classified as carcinogens or suspected carcinogen, as is fluoride, which has been banned in many European countries and is the subject of concern with regard to thyroid problems. In fact, as of April 1997, toothpaste is required to carry poison control information on the label as even a small amount can harm or kill a small child.

Occupational Safety & Health analyzed 2,983 chemicals used in personal care products. A personal care product is de-fined as anything we use to clean our bodies, or make ourselves look or smell good.
The results are as follows:
884 are toxic
146 cause tumours
218 cause reproductive complications
314 cause biological mutation
376 cause skin and eye irritations
778 caused acute toxicity

Over the last 20-30 years, as more toxic chemicals have been introduced in greater amounts, the level of toxins stored in adipose tissues (fat cells) of our bodies has risen. Bio-accumulation studies have shown that some toxins store in our bodies for life. Greater and greater amounts are being stored at younger ages. Diseases that used to occur later in life are now appearing at younger ages. Diseases that used to be rare are more frequent. For Example: There has been a 28% increase in childhood cancer since the addition of pesticides into household products. (Source: National Cancer Institute)

In one decade, there has been a 42% increase in asthma (29% for men; 82% for women-the higher rate for women is believed to be due to women's longer exposure times to household chemicals) (Source: Center for Disease Control)

Due to the increase in toxic build-up in our bodies, including the toxic build-up of formaldehyde, dead bodies are not decomposing as fast as they used to. (Source: National Institutes of Health)

There is an increased risk for leukemia in children where parents have used pesticides in the home or garden before the
child's birth (Source: Journal of the National Cancer Institute)

Over 150 chemicals found in the average home have been linked to allergies, birth defects, cancer and psychological
abnormalities. (Source): Consumer Product Safety Commission

In most cases, however, you won't find much information on the label. There are no requirements of manufacturers to actually disclose what is in a product, and there is no regulation or enforcement. All of it falls under proprietary trade secret legislation.

Today, cancer is the leading cause of death for women ages 35-74. In 1901 cancer was considered a rare disease. Statistics show that only 1 out of 8000 people had cancer. TODAY, according to the American Cancer Society, 1 out of every 3 people has cancer. TODAY, 1 out of every 2 people has been touched by cancer. The fear of cancer is on every-one’s mind these days. So many forms of cancer and they all had to start somewhere . . .

How Safe is My Family?
This is the question that every parent should be asking themselves.

We have no choice but to breathe the air, eat the food, and drink the water; but we DO have a CHOICE of what we put on our skin and what products we have in our homes.

I know that I personally do not ever want to believe that I caused harm to my family, when I had the choice to change it. I’d love to help ensure a safer home for your family.

For more information on how to make your home a healthier place for you and your family please go to my website and I will call you with the information. I would love to help you have a healthier safer home!
Jennifer McLennan
www.WorkAtHomeMomJen.com

QUOTES TO LIVE BY!

"To be successful, you must love and believe in what you do! You must have belief in yourself! Anything is possible with belief!"
Written in 2011 by Jennifer McLennan (ME) --- Canada
I truly think if you don't have belief in what you are doing and in yourself, there is no chance in success. But if you do have the belief, all things are possible!

"Life's like a boom-a-rang. The more good you throw out, the more you receive in return." ~Josh S. Hinds

"Treat people how you want to be treated."~Unknown

"Honesty is always the best policy."~Unknown

"No act of kindness, know matter how small is ever wasted."~Unknown

Need to smile? Watch this!

We should All start our day like this :)

Sheryl Crow on Motherhood & Healthy Child Healthy World